In her infinite wisdom, lara suggested making a list of Goals and aims

I have decided to do so.Uni goalsby 18/4 - Organised and studied my vision + brain notes and associated readings.by 23/4 - Have my RM3A notes up to date Have chosen and begun researching my Mem + Motivation research proposal.Health goalsGet to the gym at least 3 times a week.Start running a few nights a week.Get back my lumber and leg flexibility - Read; Touch toes with straigth knees, sit on floor legs flat with nose on knees, right and left leg splits, straddle with chest at floor.This one I understand will take a while, so I'm not setting a specific date, but hope to have this by the start of session two.Personal goalsBuy a learn to play guitre book and finally learn.Locate and join a local drama clubGet my Passport renewed asap.here's to achieving things this year.May 2005 be the most productive ever!

I'm having a panic attack.

i can't breath.showering helps right?I hope so.

stolen from terry

You scored as Democrat. <'Imunimaginative's Deviantart Page'>Democrat92%Green83%Anarchism83%Communism58%Socialist50%Republican17%Fascism8%Nazi0%</td>What Political Party Do Your Beliefs Put You In?created with QuizFarm.com

so, suddenly realised how much I have due.

tomorrow -sociology paper - doneTuesday -Vision and Brain presentation - being researchedWednesday-Psychobiology of memory and motivation midsession exam - yet to start studyingFriday -Vision and Brain paper - not yet writtenTuesday -Vision and brain midsession - also not yet started studyingI don't know HOW I'm going to get it all done, AND go to two 21sts, a 40th AND down to canberra.Somehow, I will be super woman, and I will succeed and I will do well at them.right...

sitting at work

and my ears won't pop.but I can breath through my nose, and my throat isn't hurting.waveson a rise, and then a fall.Ok one minute, then the next I wish I could screamSCREAM!This emptiness, a hollow inside, that feels slightly sea sicka sadness, that numbs everything else.where even the best moments don't feel quite rightand nothing tastes good anymore.wondering where people are? where do we meet people? how can we find someone.everin this world, there is no certainty, there is brief moments of understanding and then darkness againand there is consumption.I get the feeling the desire to buy things deminishes.this so called retail therapy is not of use to me.grump.

well, my head has cleared a little

unfortunately, my right ear is still pressurized, and my throat is raw.At least my nose has cleared enough that I can breath through that now instead of my mouth.The library is shitting me. The books I need are either on load until freaking September, or they're not on the shelves. How am I supposed to find them if they're not where they're supposed to be.I have another appointment with the councellors today, I hope my voice is going to work.I'm going through waves at the moment, some of the time I'm okay, and then I get sucked back under again.anyway.I think I'm going to go to uni, there's a chance I might be productive there.

I just got back from the ben fold's concert

I have to say, that was one of the best live performances I've been to.The Metro was absolutely packed out, and he played not only really well, but he genuinely seemed to enjoy being there. He had a laugh and I've never seen so much audience participation.I really like his music and I guess i'd sort of forgotten why.I really had fun, and the cold and flu tablets managed to keep me sorted right up until I got home, at which point I quickly collapsed into a sneezing fit which lasted for almost 2 minutes.yeah.very impressed.And the supporting act weren't bad either.Gelbison...

worst night's sleep ever

I don't think I have ever slept that badly. that was really awful.I swung between syupidly cold, to crazy feverish hot. I dehydrated so much that I almost passed out trying to get to the bathroom so I could take some more painkillers.My ears feel like they're about to implode and my back is killing me.As are my legs, head and sinuses.this is really horrible.I called in sick to work, can't concentrate on anything long enough to get work done.No one's home and my parents have gone away for the weekend, so I can't even mooch off them.I'd go to the doctors, but I'm a bit worried I'll pass out on the way.I hate this.

awake early and looking for an excuse to stay in bed...

So.recently, i'm still at uni. I'm still enjoying my courses, but as per usual, i should be a lot more motivated to do work than I am. Similarly, I'm reasonable healthy, however, i should be going to the gym more (at all at this point) and eating more fresh fruit and vegetables.I seem to be continually fighting off a cusp cold, thankfully noone around me really seems to have been afflicted so far.Katie has moved out of Tim's room, and Dominic is in the process of moving out of mine. Most of his stuff is now gone and there remains only some shorts, a tennis racket, his uni course folders and a few other odds and ends.After a lot of badgering and some mild crisis induced panic involving me running off to my paretns house for a bit, nature took its course and he took a room with a couple of male spanish nurses. Apparently they're very cool guys and make possibly the best roomates ever, he doesn't seem so keen on the house though. I'm currently on midsession break. this is good, but slightly annoying because not even the schools are on holidays now. this means that we have 10 weeks of uni solid, no break.If everything goes as plans, and the end of those 10 weeks, I'll be jetting off to singapore courtesy of my degree to study various things at their university for 5 weeks, followed by 1 week on tioman island off the west coast of malaysia. This means doing my exams over there and all that, which could be a bit hectic, but all the more reason to get all my crap under my belt before I go.Over the long weekend I went camping at the basin with a bunch of my mates who were around when I was in high school.4 years ago, we went to the same spot, and while the weather was a little nicer 4 years ago, this time was pretty fantastic.There were about 20 of us altogether and I don't know exactly how we whiled away the time, but aside from a few bushwakls, we spent most of the time either preparing or eating food, or playing/singing songs around a camp fire.I had an enormous amount of fun, dampened only by the decision by Dom, who stayed in sydney, and myself to finally do what we should have done ages ago, and split up.So, I'm a single girl, although I doubt Dom will stay single for long, he has a great personality, and to be honest, it would make it easier to actually move on if I saw him with somebody else.I'm feeling fine about the whole being single thing, no problems there. Even though I'll still see dom, I'll still miss him, because he's been my best friend pretty much since the day I met him. And the 'complicité' might not be there anymore. But you can't keep flogging the same dead horse. And if we're not careful, we might just end up hurting each other. So, following our own advice given to each other, by each other so many times, we shall be adult and be friends.I'm actually scared at the thought of meeting someone else. It seems such hard work. I question whether I want to relinquish as much of my private thoughts and emotions as I have.Dom has always been so good at respecting the boundaries of how he applies what he knows about me, that I don't know whether I would be capable of having a constructive relationship.although, I don't really know how constructive ours has been of late.But then I guess life is full of surprises. someone could rock up out of the blue and completely blow my mind.but it seems unlikely, and as such, for the moment, I plan to take my romantic life slow and hope that it does not manage to get in the way of my studies.this is em, signing out

Worst. Updater. EVER!

So, I was sitting on the library lawn with Shauna and Matt today, and the subject of taxes came up when it became apparent that Shauna had been awarded a commonwealth scholarship and they are tax free.I mentioned that i opted to have a portion of my youth allowance subtracted in tax, so as not to have to pay it later, to which Shauna said that I probably didn't need to put away as much as I did. So that got me thinking, so I came home and pulled out last years tax pack and had a look at what I would be expecting to be paying.I found a few surprises.a) Ret assistance is tax free, so thats $65 odd from my allowance that I don't have to include in my calculations.b) I still qualify for the loow income earners offsetc) As an allowance recipient, I also get a beneficiaries offset, which apparently is calculated by the government... which I don't remember from last year, but the ATO web page talks about it, so I guess it must be true.Anyway, the important bit is that, if I continue to earn what I am earning and EVEN if the UNSW HR were to stop taking tax from my pay, I would still have paid enough tax to get a refund, and and even bigger one if (and when, because they will) continue to take out money.Yay, forced savings.very happy about this.

why am I not seeing the aviator?

I believe it may have something to do with the same reason I didn't see gangs of new york.I like Martin Scorscese. really.Why do I have such a thing against Di caprio.I love Caite Blanchette.I know Di caprio can be good (what's eating gilbert grape?)so what's my problem.something's held me back twice now.

ow

so.What's new.well, thursday night I met up with dylan for dinner and then headed out to 3 wise monkeys again. I was supposed to meet Tim and his friend emma there, but while I was getting some drinks I ran into Yergan. He was there with another ex-collegue of Ellen's and so Dylan and I joined up with them to play. Then the covers band for the night started playing and it was all of the classic pop rock and I was in my element. We stayed until about midnight before calling it a night.Friday as I mentioned in my previous post I found out what it was that was making me not be paid. In the evening I met up with steve and Jane to see "Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless mind" at the open air cinema. We grabbed some wine and some antipasto and enjoyed the setting sun over the harbour. It's a pretty impressive setting to be honest with you. over looking the water, the bridge and operah house.The movie was awesome too. Clever, quirky, completely unrealistic, but really nice to see Jim Carey acting as a normal person, if anything he was his antithesis. Completely opposite to anything I've ever seen him as... except for possibly the last scenes in man on the moon.Anyway. Saturday was a lazy lazy lazy day, but still managed to result in a self-servicing epiphany. I was talking to Tim about the movie and hanging out with Steve and Jane, and it suddenly hit me. Kinda cool actually.I was feeling kinda queazy most of the afternoon but thankfully was better by 8 when Boe came by to pick me up.While I was having a drink with Steve i got a phonecall from her, pretty much out of the blue, asking if I wanted to go check out 'Short 'n Sweet' which was playing at the edge, in Newtown. Basically a stage version of Tropfest. *for those non-aussies, tropfest is a short film festival.We went to see one of the Heats and at the end we had to vote on the play we thought was the best.Some of them were really clever and insightful, others were a little... well tried to be too deep and basically were lost on me.Anyway, cultural things aside, I got home a bit before 11 and Lara called to see where I was and if I was still going to make it to elden's birthday. So I grabbed my music and a jumper and headed down to the bustop.Bus turned up 15 mins late and then we got stuck at moore park as every wanna be multi-pierced, slag-ho try hard quasi goth got on the bus, without prepaid tickets no less. A slipknot concert had just finished... so yeah. ugh, not a fun busride.So I gets to the party and it's all fun and games and I don't actually end up leaving until 5 am.I then sleep until 2pm and do nothing but read a book until 4.30 at which point i hike my arse down to the gym for Boxacise.I paired up with Boe and Andrew was taking the class... the only problem was, after 20 mins of deflecting punches, my fingers were pretty damn sore. Today I worked All day. and then went to boxercise... I walked both to work and home from the gym, and rewarded myself with a refreshing mandarin and melon calippo for the stroll home.watched a heap of trashy TV (read:Desperate Housewives) AND now I'm considering sleep.

ok

So I call salaries.and not only has my pay still not gone through, but they don't even have ANY RECORD of me ever having worked with science marketing.Somehow, all of my timesheets have gone missing between the SSO and the salaries office.HOW THE HELL DOES THAT HAPPEN?As you can probably imagine, I'm pretty pissed off at this point.grrrr.anyway.I need to get ready for work etc.And Alan isn't even around, so I can't get my old sheets RE-SIGNED and sent up again.*grumblescuffindarfinnuffer*

...

boxing

oh, hello.I'm sorry I've been absent for a while*pow*what was that for? that hurt! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to miss so many weeks.I'm so slow, I can't defend myself.My arms hurt!The little pink weights are mocking me.'Why Emily', they say, 'Look who's come crawling back'I guess the green dumbells are just out of my reach.anyway. so I went to boxing. It hurt.I sucked.I could still punch, but not as hard as I could before.I couldn't lift the weights as hard or as fast.I have to get back into it like I was.and the wednesday class isn't running until uni goes backSadly, I think I'll have to miss the monday classes as I believe I have a sociology class while it's on.Oh well, I'll find something else to do.my arms are going to be angry with me tomorrow.

upon request

today.when I woke up it was raining. and thundering, which prompted me to roll back over and enjoy the comfort of my bed while the outside world was so inhospitable. when I eventually did get out of bed, it was to mooch around the house until Tim and I decided to go shopping.Walked up to randwick in the rain. Bought a bunch of food and the like and caught a bus back.Then I snoozed, and managed to sleep through my boxing class. *grumble* so Tim and I thought about going to watch a movie, but opted to save money and watch 'Back to the future' parts one and two, as it had been highlighted recently that I hadn't actually seen them.So, the first movie I could sit through, the second one I kept yelling at the character because he's so damn annoying.anyway.Microwave popcorn and then a nice tasty healthy home cooked meal went down a treat.Yesterday I got a lift back from Mosman from my dad, complained bitterly about the heat and the stiflingness for a while and went into town with Tim in the evening.Bacardi festival is on, so we met Ben Hunt and Sarah and Dave to have a bit of a salsa.We didn't take an umbrella... which was silly at first. Anyway. Dave has put on a fair bit of weight lately... a bit disturbing really. Tim and I sorta learned how to Salsa, except we had to meet his friend Claire at 7.30 so we left early and didn't get a chance to try and win heaps of prizes. We Met Claire and then Tim's french boss Laurent and his girlfriend Emma and headed to the domain to hear the symphony.Tim's friends had been there all afternoon saving a spot. Unfortunately, it was raining as we went in and we got a little damp around the edges, thankfully it cleared before the performance started and also, Tim's friends had brought blankets to sit upon. So we nestled in. Tim launched in telling laurant how I spoke french, which of course put me on the spot. Laurent's English is excellent and I really don't like talking in front of people who speak english so well, because I feel inferior, which i am. Anyway, when I did start talking to him he was raving about how I had no accent (bullshit) and that I spoke perfect french. (also bullshit) but let him believe it if he wants to. He was saying that usually when people tell him they know people who speak french it involves very slow, poorly pronounced and pidgin french. Luckily we didn't talk for too long hey?Anyway, Symphony was pretty impressive, during the Planets, they were projecting solar system images onto the domain roof. Very Pretty and during the 1812 overture they set off fireworks and had cannons that shot sparks in time with the drums. Very croud pleasing.I found it a little low brow that they closed with the star wars theme...Anyway, from the symphony, we headed to Karaoke, where upon arrival we realised that the room was absolutely packed.There were 26 of us all together, and the room was not very big.But a fantastic time was had by all and much alcohol was consumed by most (not me)It amazing how much you sing, even when you don't have the microphone and half the time don't know the words.I looked out for Pearl Jam songs, but couldn't find any.So Then, headed home.and thus ends my weekendThis week I'm not working and so the slow monotony contiues. Wednesday is big Day Out and if I'm lucky, Dom arrives on Thursday.that would be really good as I'm working neither thursday nor friday and unlikey that I would be working on monday either.so yeahnought to do.boring etc.

so very ...

so very tiredand with a head ache.stupid body being crappola.*goes to sleep*

before sun...

so, despite telling dom I would wait until he arrived to watch the movies, I watched them tonight.It was fascinating.The first one was like 2003 in a nutshell for me.The movie, over one night, managed to culminate my year of travels, it covered my conversations, philosophising, my petty situations, my sudden and intense intimicy with people I had known for a matter of days. I was talking about this with Alice the other day. When you're travelling, you meet someone, maybe at a hostel, maybe in a bar. But you have a chat. You exchange stories. As long as you get along, suddenly you find yourself with more in common than anyone else around. You both speak english, you've both been to greece in the past few weeks, you both in the same town at the same time for a certain amount of time. In travels, that's enough to launch a friendship that allows you to discuss your biggest fears. It lets you put down your defences. For some reason, having a passport as your only form of ID makes you able to freely express your opinions and ideas. You tell stories that you'd never go into with someone you weren't best friends with, let alone someone you'd known for a matter of hours in some cases.You sit at a bar, you have a drink, a few laughs, next thing you know, you're extending an offer to go back to the hotel for a drink once the bar closes or to meet up and go to the beach the next day.This doesn't happen in the real world. When you're travelling you seem to bypass everything. You're living in a world where everything is spur of the moment, everything is new and incredible, your senses are overrun with unfamiliar information. You don't know anything for certain. You don't know anyone entirely. All you are is what you present yourself to be. Everything you've ever used for support is so very far away. so every little decision you make is new and so appears to be more risky. Every person you meet you know equally well. There is no one you can organise to meet and catch up with that you've known your whole life. Noone knows your history and everything you experience you take away knowing that you have a unique perspective and that you really don't have any idea how anyone else will see it. I remember travelling with dan, his friend we visited in Crete mentioned he thought the kind of relationships you form whilst travelling are so superficial. I feel the complete opposite. when you meet someone under those circumstance, they are the only person you know. You can stop and spend time on petty little details, or you can launch directly into what is important to you both. Find common ground, argue, probe, test the waters, find out who you're dealing with. And then you can share some of the most awe inspiring moments of your lives together. You may never ever see each other again and you may never know what that person is like in day to day life, but why should you? You know them inside out for those moments. If you share 4 days together, for those four days, they are the person you know best in the world. Once those days are over, you both cease to exist. In a way, you can't know someone unless you're with them. As soon as you're apart, they could, become someone completely different. So how can you ever really know someone.It's exhausting, travelling. It's exhausting to do that every day. In day to day life you meet too many people and there aren't enough individual characteristics about most people to make them stand out enough for us to make that investment.I can't believe how much I knew about the people I travelled with. Not about their past, but about their present. About how they slept, what they ate, how they moved, their expressions on their faces. For me every place I went to is now irreversibly connected to the person with whom I visited it. If I met these people in their home life, I'd probably be very disappointed, but there isn't a single one of them I wouldn't meet up with to travel again.Conversely, there isn't a single place that I wouldn't want to go to and meet a random stranger and for a new place related friendship. There are blurred lines for me, between the people I met and the places I saw with them. Katharina and Barcelona, Corsica and Stephane, Greece and Dan, Brindisi and Maurizio. Jess is latin dancing, Claire is the catacombes. The places and the personalities become one another.The second movie I haven't got to yet. I haven't given up on life, or love, but then I made sure we exchanged emails and made sure that we would see each other again. That doesn't mean that it will necessarily work out, but so far, in my life, there has not been one single person that I look back on and think, "what if...?"I hope that I can keep this theme for the rest of my life.Do you think it's better to have friends that are so ingrained into your life, that you know everything about them, so it's never new, but you can imagine them into every situation, or to be continually meeting a new best friend every day. Being continually surprised and enriched, but in a way, never really being known yourself. Maybe that's what they mean by shallow, not that you don't know the person, because obviously, right there are then you do. You can only ever live for the moment, but I know that when the day has been long and hard, all you really want is someone who not only accepts your sulks and mood swings as part of who you are, but maybe who understands why you are reacting the way you are. someone with a bit more history. So no it's not surprising, but yes you can take comfort in knowing that they were there when the thing that is making you feel crap now actually happened. They know how to snap you out of it, or how long you'll be like that.I hope I strike a fine balance between these things. I want to live experience, meet new people, be larger than life. But at the same time, I want to have those people who've been there the whole time, who didn't need to be beside you to understand why you felt the way you did. Who, just by you being somewhere, in a way, you've taken them with you.ok.that was long and rambling.I apologise

it...

it's funny how the simplest things can make you feel like crap.I guess it works the other way too.So, Saturday, High heels have become the bane of my existence, well, only whilst I'm wearing them, but whatever. My back is slowly recovering again.Rose stopped by in the afternoon, raided my fridge and organised me a lift to BenW's 21st that night.Talked to Dom on the phone and snoozed a bit before heading to rose's place. From there, we picked my sister up and went to Ben's. Girl-y drinks and all, had a bit of a dance, met some funky people, including another Canadian Abroad who is pretty much BenW's Brother-in-law, he was mentioning about the lack of downhill mountain biking and 15m ski drops etc available to him since his relocation. Anyway. so that was fun. Went back to My parents to stay, headed back to coogee with Kit this arvo and met Lara and hung out around the CBH and on the beach front until Alice, Maz, Karlie, Richie, EmB, Kel and also Tim came down to join us. Then more beer and a combination of Thai foods down at the beach.Now I'm all sleepy.Anyway, so.sleep and stuff

jumping on the bandwagon in 2005

First journal entry of each month in 2004January - Field day was so much fun, I ran into so many people.February - I had a little breakdown yesterday.March - And now, I really must clean my room.April - counting crows cancelled their tour! May - so after a thursday night of little sleep. my assignment was handed in and happyJunespent lots of time on uni computers.I do more work there, maybe I should spend more time there by default.July no entries since I was in CANADAAugust - I'm back in the country, I have an hour and a half before my first class.September - yoga at 6 30 am is a good way to wake up.October - The side of my nail is now missing a chunk of flesh and my plaster is becoming rapidly more red-like.November - it's not raining, it's that twilight of dawn, the birds are calling and occaisionally there's a flash of thunder.December - I talked to Kurt, he is also in a not so much money situation, which means we are going to play it by ear.

so. this journal is closed for a while

I just think it's time to take a break.